you know, i never really post to this thing anymore. it's been dead for me for a while.
i used to post because i thought there were certain people who still read it, but i accepted that they did not and moved on. i guess it was like i was posting so they would know i was happy without them. it was quite immature, come to think of it, but it helped me get by.

i'm on my second year of graduate school, there is a good chance i will fall in love very soon (if i haven't already), i've broken two of the three new years resolutions i made, and am happily sitting at home right now. i have a great apartment, wonderful friends, and a "new" car. it's almost july and i'm setting up a new business with my friend laura, soon to have our first real gig in august. i'm going to the beach with my wonderful guy friends next week, and could not be more content.

i have two regrets from this year.
1. accidentally sleeping with that poet fellow. creepsville. i was too drunk and should have been tucked into bed.
2. letting her back into my life. what a terrible mistake that i will never forgive myself for. love makes you blind, deaf, and dumb. although, without that experience, i would have continued to pine after her without reason. it was a blessing in disguise.

i'm kind of looking forward to the drive home from texas. i actually had fun this time around.

oh my. i have the most intense craving for elote with red chili powder and mayonnaise. it's sick.
i want it in a white styrofoam cup, and i want to be standing on black, burning concrete with a plastic spoon in hand. i want my hair to be its natural color again, in braids, the ends curled and tied off with cloth covered elastics.

i guess i just miss being a kid in texas sometimes.

i'm so glad 2008 is over.
it was simultaneously the best and worst year of my college experience.

my new year's resolutions:
1. be more careful about driving home when i know i shouldn't be behind the wheel.
2. focus on the healthy relationships i have going for me, instead of the destructive ones that i run back to consistently.
3. keep it simple.

i know i should throw something in there about being more productive at school, but i'm testing the waters right now-- still. i'm still a little spooked.

the holiday season is the worst. there are penguins EVERYWHERE.

so the hair is pink now to lift my spirits and kick off my new blog:
http://kitschandtell.blogspot.com/
there's only one entry so far, but i'm working on it with diligence and love.
please visit. subscribe. enjoy.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

it took seven days for EVERYONE i know to lose their fucking minds----
and i appreciate it.

thanks for keeping life entertaining, ya'll.

i cut off my hair again. oops.

i had my last hurrah-- and how.
it's time to grow up before it's too late.

judging from my track records with family visits in the past few years, this one is probably going to suck. let's recap:

1. August 2004: Parents drop me off in Alabama. I cry, bitch, and moan about being dumped in the deep South. I spend a lot of time moping
2. February 2005: My mom surprises me by showing up without telling me to see me in a "school play". She soon finds out that I am playing a lesbian dominatrix in the Vagina Monologues. I have to orgasm in front of my mother. She drinks lots of cocktails even though she doesn't drink, and she is cold to me and all of my friends.
3. February 2008: I get drunk and forget to pick up my mom at the airport. I end up in birmingham an hour late smelling of whiskey and cigarettes, and not wearing pants. She makes snide comments every time she meets my friends. She barely speaks to me the entire time.

I've got my fingers crossed. This isn't looking good.

uhhhhhhh. yeah.
BR$ 4 life.

you girls are whores, but i love you.
the eggs are spicy. bring tums.

it's nice to know that when you're just doing the best that you can with what you have and who you are that sometimes it's enough to live well.

i've been sitting on the edges of cliffs, and the sun has been dyeing the tops of my feet copper.
i've smelled magnolias at 1:30 in the afternoon, cupping their vast cream petals in my palms and then breathing in the sugary aroma that lingers on my fingertips into the evening.
i've driven down back roads, windows rolled all the way down and the summer breeze tearing at my hair, blaring an old oasis album and singing along with all of the words.
i'm wearing cut off shorts, drinking beer at five p.m. on wednesday afternoons.
i'm eating grilled pineapple with my hands while the sun sets.
i'm sitting on my living room floor with all of my friends, listening to bukowski talk about sleeping hummingbirds from the stereo speakers while sipping jug red wine mixed with tonic water.
i cry during grey's anatomy episodes in a room with red walls, while oliver sits on his palette and smears charcoal with his thumb on pages of long grain paper.

it's the calm before the storm, lucy says.
and lucy tends to be right about these sorts of things.

i've just had a beautiful month.
i couldn't have asked for more.

today, at the good old record store, i sat behind the counter and played death cab for cutie's "plans" and sufjan stevens' "seven swans" all the way through while following along with the lyrics sheet.

(yes i realize that was kind of lame, and just you wait-- this post is about to get a bajillion times lamer)

"And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain"

gorgeous.

"And all you see
Is where else you could be
When you're at home
Out on the street
Are so many possibilities
To not be alone"

right on.

"You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved"

perfect.

"And I knew no words to share with anyone
The boundaries of language I quietly cursed"

god. damn.

and now on to my final spring exam week of my college career.

i got tattooed. again.

i love this poem:

Addendum

What i forgot to tell you in that last poem
if you were paying attention at all
was that I really did love her at the time.

The maritime light in the final lines
might have seemed contrived,
as false as any blown-up Italian sonnet,

and the same could be said
for the high cliffside flowers
I claimed to have introduced to her hair

and sure, the many imaginary moons
I said were circling our bed as we slept,
the cosmos being the walls of the room.

But the truth is we loved
to take long walks on the windy shore,
not the shore between the sea of her

and the symbolic land of me,
but the real shore of empty shells,
the sun rising, the water running up and back.

--billy collins

fuckin' right.

my hair is getting long, too.
and i accepted an award today with some other guy who has discovered FIVE (yes FIVE) new genes before graduating college. the award ceremony was an academic freakshow, and i of course tripped over my stiletto on my way up to the stage to get my plaque. a plaque that means nothing. i was so nervous i didn't even touch my banana parfait.

and now i have to sew a book about protein intake and why tofu never gets invited to thanksgiving dinner.
roll tide.

goddamn. last night was what my life is all about:
-egan's (and the beautiful girl shooting pool barefoot)
-people i love shouting my name from the balcony of the mellow mushroom
-smoking cigarettes outside of anna's apartment on the second floor
-my dearest friend wearing a leopard print dress and relaxing on the windowsill
-whiskey
-watching pat lose clothing items
-secrets
-awkward encounters between heterosexual men who think they can get into my pants
-conversation on brocade couches
-stolen pitchers of beer hidden under cardigans

things i appreciate at the moment:
-m.i.a.'s cover of where is my mind
-how easily vegetarianism came back to me
-how lovely it is to spend 2 hours at the grocery store without being rushed, buying things like asian pears, tabasco sauce, and alfalfa sprouts
-my re-usable target tote bags that fold into compact pouches
-the good company i would have missed out on
-my cahiers selling instantly
-the way my hair is curling just in time for summer
-erica moss and her farmer's market kick

i'm putting away my button down sweaters and shelving my scarves (with much glee).
i can't wait to put on summer dresses and paint my toenails red.
i put on his old t-shirt today and it felt like summer.

i'm about to get another pet to add to my tiny menagerie! i am super pumped.

but on to more important business...as in, my own business.
i have a few names i'm throwing around for my tiny journal making company.
here they are:
1. rolled trousers
2. papirosa
3. the littlest adelie
4. adelie
5. bananafish

eventually the word "press" will be attached to the end of each name but that won't be until i finish graduate school. so if anybody still reads this, tell me what you think. what's your favorite? do you have any other suggestions?

what. the. hell.

aaaaaaaaaaand i'm back.

i walked out of express without paying for a pair of black stirrup leggings that i had in my hands. when i realized this, i decided to take them back to the store because we all know that karma is a bitch--and the last thing i need is another bad day, week, etc. especially with valentine's day around the corner (fuck that noise).

and all i have to say is that it was a good thing that i decided to hand back those expensive leggings because my night was AMAZING. for real.

GOD.
i'm so ridiculous.
why didn't i think of this before??????????

i'm so glad my mom is coming in next weekend. she's isn't a "it's going to be okay, honey" kind of mom.
she's a "what-the-FUCK-is-wrong-with-you-get-the-FUCK-over-it" kind of mom. and sometimes it just works so much better.

and i'm going to get an apartment or a condo with a kitten and it shall be named penelope (even if it is a boy cat) and it will live happily ever after with jacques the hamster.

oh yes, did i mention i got into graduate school for book arts and library science?
i'm going to be soooooo poooor and so happppyyyy.

saturday night i was most certainly THAT girl. you know the one. i think i set myself back, oh, FOUR YEARS.

and now with this free time on my hands (oh my god FREE TIME!!!!!!!!) i have made the executive decision to begin posting again.

i bought my first set of prismacolors today and they got folded up into a completely aesthetically pleasing little brown bag with a crease at the top. i carried them home in the rain and i loved every second of it.


also, i got my monroe pierced:


and tonight oliver and i are having a william carlos williams/white wine (or red wine, i haven't decided)/nylon magazine party. a.k.a. i'm going to drink wine out of a regular glass while making my first book. i probably shouldn't be as thrilled as i am about this. but i am.